Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
