1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
