Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
