A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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