i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
