Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
