my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm getting married
To pizza
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
