oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize