You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
