apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize