Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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