I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
