I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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