we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
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