I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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