Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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