true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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