You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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