jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize