I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
