stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
