You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
