Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
