I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
