Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
they're like a gay fantastic four
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
