Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
