my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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