There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
