Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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