Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
