I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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