apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
