her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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