she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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