I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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