Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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