I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
