I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
