wake up i wanna do it froggy style
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize