Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
