Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
