yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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