we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
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I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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