I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
