i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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