It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
