It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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