have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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