I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
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