hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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