There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
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