I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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