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Soap is not a condiment
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Randomize
