DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Then you guys just all showered together...?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
