my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
