WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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