He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
