overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
