NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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