I will die if light touches me.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
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